Our Choice

This is probably one of the most controversial, deep rooted, and personal issues I will ever put out into the internet world. However, with that being said it is important that I share my story because we spent weeks agonizing over a decision that is by far the most life changing one we've ever made. I have always been pro-choice, ever since I began engaging in adult behavior and understanding what my reproductive rights and responsibilities were and could be. I do not believe anyone has the right to decide or force someone into not only having a child but also the overlooked reality of raising that child to be a healthy and productive member of society. I do not believe anyone has the right to make reproductive decision for anyone no matter what that may look like. I believe a person has the sole choice to decide what her/his/their life will consist of and we NEED to trust them to make an informed decision. Not only should they be able to make that decision, but should also have access to education, resources, and assistance before, during, and after it. 

I'll start with how we got here. I came off birth control 2 years ago & have been tracking my ovulation and avoiding marital activities during those 7 days plus 2-3 on the front and back end of it. During this time I experienced amenorrhea and my periods sometimes would be spaced 35-50+ days between, which my doctor contributed to my very active lifestyle. While in Alabama in January for the first sergeant academy I was running 6-8 miles per day along with working out for an hour, which is my ideal and almost usual intensity but with extra cardio. I was feeling great and somewhere around the last two weeks in the morning I had a Bang energy drink and went to workout. I had a great workout, but shortly after returning to my hotel room felt beyond sick to my stomach and just all around horrible. Food didn't help, water didn't help and I thought I had eaten something that made me ill. So I avoided eating my frozen chicken breast that day and it didn't get any better. This kept on for a few days, my mouth would water, I would feel queasy, exhausted, and dizzy at times. We were completing PT challenges in school and I was kicking butt during those. I didn't understand because when I was working out, I felt fine, but as soon as I stopped moving- that was when it started. I entered the last week after a long weekend of not feeling so hot and still felt sick to my stomach. Of course I was telling Chris about it and we chalked it up to maybe the deli turkey I had been eating or the chicken, so I got rid of both and made tofu instead (obviously a more safe option). Nope.... didn't work. Still just felt queasy and exhausted daily. I also was having issues sleeping and was stressed finishing up my course and studying for me RD exam. My last Thursday of the course came around and we practiced our graduation for the next day, I was hanging out with my flight and one of the females had asked how I was feeling. I told her not much had changed and I thought I just had a bad stomach bug. She then replied with, "Ya know, this is how I was when I was pregnant." And it was like a dark drape fell around me almost immediately followed by fear, anxiety, and a sense of panic. 

I almost ran from class that day and called Chris, changing into civilian clothes as quickly as I could, and headed straight to the commissary. I was praying they would have a test. Luckily he was home from work and the first thing he asked was how I was feeling. I told him and then frantically spewed what my classmate had shared with me. He did his best to calm me through the phone, I explained how late I was and how it didn't even cross my mind. He talked me through it and I just prayed they would have a pregnancy test at the commissary. I let him go just as I walked inside, telling him I would call him back as soon as I left. Inside is where I found myself feeling as if I was a 16 year old girl, I reverted into this terrified and unexperienced child who had made an adult decision about sex and was now facing the music. I found a test and went straight to the self-checkout. I could not believe the amount of shame I felt. I felt like everyone was watching me and paranoia was suffocating me. I got out of the store and called Chirs back. I was searching for any sign of fear, anger, anything in his voice. We talked the entire 8 mins back to my hotel room in which I was damn near running to return to. 

I was so fearful to take this by myself, I needed him there. He calmed me, yet again (such an amazing human, I don't know how I got this lucky). I had 1 full day of class left and then a days worth of travel to get back to him. I just needed him to be there, but he explained there was no use in waiting. So I decided to take it. Of course, I had nothing to pee into, so once I had the nerve I had to run to the front desk and asked for a water cup. I was shaking, my mind was racing, and of course I still absolutely felt sick which was almost subsided with my fear. Chris remained on the phone with me the entire time, I got the sample. I placed the test on the counter and he set a timer for 3 mins... THE longest 3 mins of my life. I laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to control my heart rate and focused on talking to him. I don't honestly remember what was said other than him reassuring me that we would be okay. We would always be okay because of the fact that, that man is the most perfect human being for me. Then ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.... I heard his alarm, he said, "Okay what's it say?". I remained on the bed on my back, I couldn't move. I was paralyzed, I couldn't get up. Chris was waiting patiently... I just couldn't do it. I was so scared of what was on that countertop. He talked me into getting up and I creeped over to it as if there was something there waiting to bite me.

There it was. No truer thing had ever stared me in the face. I re-read the box out loud as if maybe I read it wrong... that the two lines meant not pregnant. I don't remember much after this initial shock other than I felt my heart pounding in my throat, I felt hot and dizzy, and was all of a sudden sitting on the bed in shock. My mind was racing with all sorts of questions as to how this happened. Even though Ariel is and was QUITE aware of how this happened, I was in complete disbelief. It simply wasn't computing. 

I returned home two days later and spent a lot of the first days crying. I couldn't even watch TV shows that had a baby without crying. We spent so much time talking about regret, regretting our life that we envisioned and also the regret we may have if we did decide to not keep the baby now and years down the road. We talked about my career, I came home from school and took my RD exam the second week of February during all of this. I was the most stressed out I have ever been in my entire life. Do I stay at the base and stay in Perrysburg? The plan was to start applying for dietitian jobs for the Army/Air Force, move away, and FINALLY start our professional careers, me as a registered dietitian and him as a pilot. What would happen to our love of travel? After I graduated in 2019, we finally were able to start traveling more again and then COVID happened putting a hard stop to that. We were so looking forward to traveling again, internationally and domestically. What would a child mean for that? I was able to secure an initial appointment that included an ultra sound but we couldn't get in until the 22nd of February. The wait was agonizing. We agreed that we had to make an informed decision, I wanted to ensure the baby was healthy. What if we had been killing ourselves over this decision and the baby wasn't even viable? So we waited, many conversations, tears, and sleepless hours occurred waiting for that appointment.

There were two choices for us, either we would abort or have the baby. During this month of turmoil, my husband Chris and I debated how, why, what, and where. Some days it was a 90% one choice and 10% the other, the next day it would be completely swapped, sometimes 50/50. I am a 34 year old, successful professional woman with job security, financial stability, amazing insurance, resources out the yin yang, and the most amazing supportive husband I could ask for yet I was terrified to make a decision to abort or to become a parent, something I have never wanted or felt internally compelled to do. The biggest hurdles in my mind were internal ones. I simply never wanted to be a mom, I don't have that maternal drive that I hear moms talk about. I never wanted something that I would spend my life taking care of and found a man that had the same idea and goals about life and the future he wanted. To be simple and clear we have never wanted children and our marriage was based on this as well. Our plans never included a little one and both of us have spent the first 5 years of this marriage extremely independent solidifying our professional careers and setting ourselves up for the future of our dreams. 

Finally, it was Monday- we were going to talk to some professionals and see what this was all about inside of me. Anxiety and fear were pouring out of my eyeballs when I walked into the clinic with Chris. We filled out forms and then we got called back into the ultra sound room before we could even finish. I laid down, there was jelly and a cold press of a wand and there it was. A huge noggin', a belly, some arms, and some legs. I just stared, it jumped. I know the technician was saying stuff, Chris did as well- I remember him touching my leg to comfort at some point going through all the angles and images and then snap shots were printed and I was walking out of the door. We got to the waiting area for our next appointment and I looked at my husband and saw nothing but tears. Were these happy tears, were they terrified tears, were these upset tears? I couldn't read him because we had these damn masks on. I just started comforting him not being able to process for myself what I just saw. We looked down at these black and white pictures of this human we created. And then I heard the broken voice of my husband, "Look how perfect it is, this is going to be my best friend." I have never had a more full heart in my life. We decided there simply was no other option for us sitting in that parking lot after our appointment, the first thing we did was call our families. 

Prior to our Ob/Gyn visit, Chris & I spent all of February talking about our choices. And we often talked about how difficult of a decision this was for us at our age, with every security in the world, and yet we had no idea what to do, we were scared, and also the services for abortion are so difficult to access. Chris said to me, "Can you imagine how difficult this would be for an 18 year old?!". And just when ya think you couldn't love someone more, he continued on about advocacy and how we need to talk about this, we need to vote and ensure women have a choice and a voice in their reproductive right. This is why I am writing this controversial post, I know it's going to piss some of you off, I know it's going to make some of you cry and break your hearts slightly, I know it's going to help give someone strength, and others it may just be a source of entertainment. None the less, I truly believe these are conversations we need to be having. I was raised a Catholic, after getting older I formed my own opinion about life that included science, medicine, and also society. Like I said, I have always been pro-choice, but never thought of what I, myself would do since I never wanted or thought I would become pregnant. It just wasn't in my deck of cards for consideration. 

Our lives will be changing for the better come this fall and we know that whole heartedly. Baby McVicker will arrive mid September and we are satisfied with our decision, but I wanted to talk about our struggles with this in hopes that if someone gets presented with the same situation they won't feel alone. The idea of becoming a mom is still terrifying for me and I'm coming around a little bit more each day. It is a struggle some days especially as my body changes and I am faced with the reality that I am growing a human in there. Thank you very much for reading.