My Story of Disorder

My journey begins with a little girl, the oldest girl of 5 in a lower middle class home in Toledo, OH. She was loud, she was kind, she was dedicated, and goofy. Many things happened to shape this girl, the biggest impact came when my parents enrolled me into a Catholic school. Both my mother and father worked to pay for our attendance there & most kids were aware of my status in this school. A girl on my street saw a donation left at my door step from the church (bags of food) and from that moment on, I was the poor girl. No one knocked my books outta my hands, or flushed my things down the toilet, but their words- their words did more damage than they could know. I wanted to be like everyone else, I wanted a nice house, I wanted to have cool clothes, real underwear that were mine and not hand me downs from my older brother- yes I rocked the tighty whities. This was my first lesson in humanity, I saw how cruel kids could be, I heard the back stabbing, and whispers about us. It killed me inside because I wanted to be everyones friend. The girls were cruel, I would hear them calling me names behind my back and witnessed a parent telling a girl from my girl scout troop that she wouldn't have a birthday party at all, if they didn't invite everyone, because she didn't want to invite me. As time passed this got worse, to the point where I begged my parents to allow me to go to a public school. They finally agreed and I started second grade at a public school a few blocks away. At this new school, I was the nice one, I befriended everyone, and these kids liked me, they were eager, and I looked forward to school because finally- I had friends!

I started developing at a young age, needing my first bra in 3 rd grade wasn't ideal. This is where I started noticing differences between bodies, my body was different. I was still a  little girl but, had to wear a bra. I felt awkward in my bathing suit, tank tops, and shorts when I was with friends. I became hyper-aware of things- "looking right" but still not having the clothes or style that the other girls did. I always remember feeling this empty self conscious feeling and I could cover it with being kind to people. But there was nothing that could fill that hole of not being good enough, and there I sat. 

Growing up, I was never a small girl, not big, but a bit broad and strong- I was healthy. I was always active, played sports to make my parents proud, to make friends, and burn off the immense about of energy I had. I was never a brainiac in school either, so sports were my thing. I played softball, I had naturally been a good runner, so I was decent at most sports- except basketball in 5th grade, thank heavens for my coaches for letting me have some court time! I just tried everything we could afford, so that boiled down to one sport until I went to Jr. High. 

Junior High is a awkward time for most kids, hormones are flying, our bodies are changing, mine went into hyper drive. This is where it really sank in that I wasn't average, bigger than the cheer leaders, bigger than most girls, this is where I started my first diet- grapes and carrots. Everyday this is what I would eat for lunch, a bag of carrots and a bag of grapes. I remember going home and being so excited to tell my mom that I was getting skinnier. As a member of the cross country team in the fall and track team in the spring, I should have been consuming more complex carbs to support my activity level, but this is where I began to see the correlation that I never thought of before: the less I eat/healthier I eat, the smaller I am. 

As I began high school, I craved acceptance and knew some boys that were interested in me, but never felt pretty, never felt skinny like the other girls on my cross country team, I had boobs, and was "thick". I wanted a boy to like me, I mean really like me- maybe even fall in love, like most girls that age do. A boy started talking to me & I was head over heels, I was crazy in puppy love and we dated for almost 2 years, then I found out he had been seeing other girls, talking to other girls, etc. I was devastated, what did they have that I didn't? My answer was: they were pretty, skinny, and inevitably wore Abercrombie. Basically everything I wasn't. This was the first time in my life where I decided to stop eating. I started starving myself my junior year of high school, this was only the beginning. Sadly, I know I am not alone in this, I did it because it was something I could control in a life where I felt I had none. Being active and not eating, I lost weight quickly, but never to the point where I was emaciated. This cycle of dating happened well into my military career, as did my eating disorder- I was never good enough. I was so envious of other girls, jealous of how small they were, and the things they had. Throughout it all, running was my solace, I would go out and pound pavement and get the best therapy I had available to me. 

Many miles later, I found myself dealing with a horrendous breakup, the worst one I had ever experienced. Feeling so unwanted and broken that I slowly convinced myself, it was me, it was because I wasn't skinny, it was because I wasn't good enough! So I controlled the one thing I could, I poured my body into running- miles a day, hours on hours and eating barely enough to sustain normal funtioning. I quickly lost weight and shrunk to my lowest weight of 110 lbs, at 5'3 this isn't that low, however I did still maintain my muscle on my frame, so I resembled a bobble head. I began fearing food- I knew nothing of nutrition, so I stuck to fruits, vegetables, minimal amount of carbs, and low fat dairy. I was not consuming enough protein or fat for my body, but I didn't care. I wanted to be tiny, a shell, a little person. I began following "thin-spo"  or thin inspiration on the internet which consisted of starvation, thigh gaps, and protruding bones. They would talk of my beloved high I would get from the lack of eating, being at peace when you go all day without food, and would encourage each other to keep the starvation going. There would be profiles with numbers next to them, with the number of days they would deprive themselves completely. This dark place is where I resided for a very long time. I was obsessed with becoming tiny. I was never small enough, my size was a direct negative correlation to my self worth, - and how could anyone want me if I wasn't? I would go all day without eating and then only eat when people were around. Everyone thought it was amazing- I looked great. It got to the point where I was eating a small bag of 100 cal snacks a day besides whatever meal I "had to eat" in front of my family or friends to save face. A handful of times, I blurred into bulimia when I would have to eat in front of people. I was angry at them for taking my control away from me, they would end my starvation, and as punishment for allowing myself to get into these situations- my body would pay the toll for that loss of control. I would purge, often on my runs, and go out for hours to rid myself of the food and show my mind that I was still in charge. This was my lowest point. 

My weight was down, but I hid my Ana (anorexia) oh so well, I spoke of my health & how I was finally in the body I worked so hard to get. I was depressed, slipping deeper and deeper everyday that I knew I would never find love and chose self hatred over all. I needed an outlet, I wanted to have a body that a man would want and would never want to leave. I was really interested in "fixing" my body, so I decided to pursue my certification in personal training and shortly after completing my job shadowing became a fitness instructor and fell so deep in love with weight lifting. And to help my obsession further I found it was the perfect place to disguise my disordered eating and call it dedication and discipline where it was not only accepted, but almost expected. 

The fitness industry is about dedication and as a personal trainer who has her own buiness, I dealt with serious turmoil of being thin & maintaining strength. Who would want a bulky female trainer? I've even had clients tell me, "I want to gain muscle, but not look like you do."  Luckily, I have the confidence now to take that with a grain of salt. Their journey is not mine and I busted my ass to gain this strength and muscle over the years. It's not easy for most women, and was not easy for me.

"I want to gain muscle, 

but not look like you do."

The fitness industry and diet culture in general are perpetuated with harsh unmaintainable diets and body shaming. I would have clients ask if it was my "off-season" and find myself then apologizing for my "fluff" because my abs weren't visible. I was looked up to, admired and even encouraged to keep being stuck, to deprive meant strength, ultimate discipline, and control. I would start cutting my intake down, down, down and I would be showered with compliments of how hard I am working (something I strive for in life is to always be called a hard-worker), and only got these compliments when I was thin, which is why till this day I don't compliment people when they lose weight. It's actually a negative because you're reinforcing that someone looks good now and didn't before.

I often question my journey and the standstill I am at currently. It's a struggle most day. People often ask what my current goals are and my simple reply during the semester is "getting to the gym 3 days a week." When I was deployed I put everything into lifting, I brought such aggression to the gym and would leave it there after 2-3 hours of beating my body down. I maybe took 2 days off from the gym the entire 7 months I was deployed because it was a place to relieve what the deployment brought with minimal sleep and frustration that I had never experienced before. I was angry and I could leave it there. I crave those sessions most days, but for reason of wanting to have that control back in my life- something I know isn't healthy. 

I am a work in progress. Somedays I focus on how strong I feel and how much of a well rounded athlete I am. I can lift heavy shit, sprint, and run miles on miles. I'm at an impasse, but I've worked so hard to get where I am, however there are days where I feel big, boxy, and bulky. I feel my muscle are covered and I don't look as "fit" as some other women I see, and those thoughts don't just stop with females. I sometimes see men and admire their mass and sheer strength, even just as beginners, and I get jealous and often think, "If only." It's a fight weekly and sometimes even daily. But I am getting better, I get better with every situation, every client I have teaches me, I want to lead by example, but sometimes fall short at selling the idea to myself.

These thoughts often manifest themselves into my life outside the gym & I don't even feel confident enough to let my husband see my at times because I know he fell in love with a skinny girl that ran hours daily.This toxic place is where my brain goes and it's a place I created on my own. I still fight with this sometimes, I will probably for the rest of my life, but I'm strong enough to admit it now & being so lost in a world where I wanted to be small enough to honestly disappear- this is not what our lives are about. Being healthy, living a full and satisfying life, being able to perform & live the lifestyle I desire, and be a strong woman. I am 31 years old, I am not a 16 year old girl, I don't need to look like one, I don't need to fit into my HS jeans. We are obsessed with being a little girl, and honestly maybe that's our problem in society. 

If those of you that are reading this, relate I want you to know from the bottom of my heart -you are not alone in these thoughts and sadly this is where diet culture keeps us. A culture based on what you have and what you look like. Abs, biceps, booty, and white teeth- none of which reflect the good person I am, how funny I can be (self proclaimed), how much passion I have for nutrition education, and what I plan to give back to this world as my gift- yet it consumes my day at times. I don't have my shit together and guess what- most people don't! Even those people we follow on social media or see on TV, no one is perfect and most days I don't want to be. All this time my self-worth was determined by how I perceived others viewing me, not once was it ever because how I saw myself not in comparison to others. 

My relationship with food has been permanently altered and I will more than likely spend the rest of my life fixing it. I still struggle with disordered eating even as a dietetic major studying nutrition. The negative connotations with food I had, I have removed, however I struggle daily with my eating habits. Most days I weigh & portion my meals with a scale & when I'm stressed out from school or life, I find myself turning to this as a control method. I get stressed and control the one thing I can and this is where I begin to obsess. I hope one day to be free, to not plan my meal for the day to come, to wake up and not fret if I don't have something I planned on eating, and if it fits within my macros for my activity level for the day. But as most things in life, there isn't a quick fix, and I will take it day by day. 

If you take one thing away from this let it be that restirction is not sexy and your self worth should never be based on appearance or inanimate objects. Life is too short to be consumed by such frivolous things, and this is why I've made the huge shift to give up diet culture and focus solely on the important things in life. I am choosing to focus on family, experiences, memories, travel, etc. I want to touch lives, change views for the better, and make a difference. Those are things I want to be remembered for. The things I hope they will say about me at my funeral service, which I guarantee will not be, "man she always had the greatest abs."