"Nope, We Still Don't Want Kids."

"Nope, We Still Don't Want Kids." 

- "So do you not like children?" 

"No, I love kids actually- but it's not what I/we want."  

This is how most get togethers, barbecue's, holidays, company gatherings... etc go for me.
And then I'll hear the above or, "Oh, you'll change your mind" or "And that's okay, it really is, that's okay that you don't want them". Making themselves feel less awkward about asking a question that I feel isn't socially acceptable to inquire about.

Yea doi- I know it's okay... My initial response is to dive into their health care- medical history, financial situations, or any other deeply personal matters since they feel the need to rummage through mine, but I know this isn't meant maliciously.

This inevitably leads to their uncomfortable backtracking- while I just sit there with a smile on my face. I simply wish people would not ask or if they do, would just say "cool", "very nice", or hell even be excited for me/us as they would be if I said " Yea we just started trying"... but a lot of people see it as sad, or as if I will have a perpetual hole in my life without children. A void that won't be fillable. We have long been in a patriarchal society, one in which women are shunned when they express the desire to NOT have children, this includes Helen Mirren, Jennifer Anniston, and hello, UM Oprah. They have been shammed for not wanting to bear children and as women IT'S NOT THEIR DUTY TO DO SO! It's not a woman's main purpose in life and does not shatter her identity to say "hard pass on all that jazz."

Procreating is something that the majority of Americans "do". They start families & this is all they know. For the most part, there aren't many good models of how to live life without children. Most people reproduce and my family is no different. Every female that I've known has had a child, all throughout my childhood that was and is the Gilmore way. I never had anyone to look to as to what life could look like without them. So it's a scary thing to not feel that desire, that factor that would make me be the mother that I've watched my sisters, friends, and cousins become. Most people think a childfree life isn't a complete one, however I can assure you it is very much so that and more.

We aren't selfish, we just know what we want. My husband and I lead a perfectly happy and fulfilling lives, I have children in my life all the time with my amazing nieces and nephews. I LOVE spending time with them, watching them grow, teaching them things, and seeing their little adventurous and curious minds learn. Ironically enough, my niece is slumbering in our bed as I type this. I adore them and would do anything for them, qualities a good mother has- but I lack that strong drive to make my own. I wouldn't be a terrible mom, but I wouldn't be a great one either.

When I get asked about children, it sometimes feels lonely and as if my life accomplishments pale in comparison to that of motherhood and it's not fair that society has set that stage for me and other women who have decided to not be mother's. I hope someday we can find couples who are kind of like us, who are professionals, that chose to not have children so I feel like I have something to talk about. I don't have too much to talk about currently other than school, but in the future I will have a rewarding career and more life experiences that add value.

I think it's time we stop acting as if motherhood is the end all be all of life goals. For some it is, but realize for other's it's not. The shaming should stop, I believe being a parent is a responsibility and having them for reasons of not wanting to be alone, having someone to care for me/us when we get older, or for the fear of regret is simply irresponsible and those reasons are more shameful than my honesty and self awareness I have with myself of not wanting them.