Mom Guilt

Ahhhh....the first few weeks postpartum where my house was an absolute disaster (he arrived 3 weeks earlier than expected!), I was exhausted but high off of the love I had for this little guy, & where my needs quickly shifted from taking care of baby & me in utero to my needs coming in second or even third at times. Welcoming my son into our home has definitely been a huge adjustment not only to our daily routine, but also to my inner voice & mental and emotional health. Becoming a mom has been the single greatest thing I have ever accomplished & thanks to baby George I have become a different person all together. I would like to say I have become a bit kinder and softer, maybe it's the postpartum hormones, but so far I am a much more empathetic lady that may tear up over Disney movies or the occasional happy feels news story. I have also drifted back and forth into feelings of guilt and inadequacy, even though I have been giving my all. It can sometimes feel that I am not only spread thin, but that thin layer is simply just not enough to check all the boxes. I can't be alone in feeling like this... I know often our minds go to that place, but I know other moms struggle with this as well.

Mom guilt is a real thing and man it has really impacted me. Everything from not peeing on my own, yes holding my son while feeding him and using the bathroom, to skipping the gym after work because he has been at daycare all day, to showering in less than 2 mins because I want to spend as much time as I can with him during a busy week. These are just some examples of me struggling with not doing enough that really cause me to diminish time & activities for the greater good of Ariel. I have to preface this all by saying many days I am a solo parent, so it's been tough some days. With getting only 3-6 hours of sleep per night ensuring everything is completed makes it really rough. I am speaking from my perspective here, I am not saying that father's do not experience this, I'm just stating my perspective as a new mom and the HUGE life shift that has happened over the past six months since George was born. 

Another recent instance that I could not ignore if I tried was a couple months ago when Covid ran through my home. George was the first to get symptoms and I inevitability started showing symptoms 4 days later... During this time period where there was an overlap in sickness, I was at home by myself for 3 days straight with my husband working 12 hour shifts. I not only had to care for my poor son who was waking 4-5 times per night, having difficulty breathing, experiencing discomfort and agitation coupled with my own terrible fatigue, sinus pressure, headache, and body aches. Reality Check: I saw VERY quickly that moms simply aren't allowed to be sick. We aren't allowed to rest in this circumstance. I was still pumping every 2 hours and I felt as if I was on deaths' door with only being able to take Tylenol for relief. Approximately 1 week later, my husband began to have symptoms in which he was able to rest as needed, FULLY medicate to help alleviate symptoms, and George at this point was able to return to daycare so he didn't have any responsibilities during the week other than to get well. Now the circumstances just didn't lay in my favor and don't get me wrong, my husband is very supportive with George, but this was my first lesson that I saw the uneven responsibilities that are expected as a mom who is breast feeding & the primary for household chores & responsibilities. Even through this, I forced myself to do all the things & be the happy mom, cook all the meals, maintain chores, etc. 

With all this being said, even as a health professional, this guilt still creeps in. I know better, but it just happens and I can't escape the feeling. I am human and no matter how much I try to rationalize, my hormones and situations take over. As a parent, you need to take time for yourself. The self care movement is huge right now and so is the attention to protecting your mental health which is absolutely wonderful, but when you are in the thick of things sometimes it hard to see your way out. My family lives just close enough to drive, but not close enough to be a quick trip so I don't have help other than daycare. And even asking for help might seem impossible. Sharing my responsibilities can be very tough for someone as independent as I am. I hate- hate- HATE asking for help, the stubborn streak in me simply doesn't allow for it BUT to keep my sanity I need to work on asking for help. Mom guilt is difficult to navigate especially in fragile postpartum time. It's really the Wild West where anything goes to keep your baby happy, healthy, and fed. It's not what you see in the movies or on social media, just like anything in life, it is messy and often hard ass work!

Our son comes first and foremost in everything- before my career, the gym, my hobbies, and arguably even my husband at times. Prioritizing self-care is tough and part of my mom guilt, along with being a wife. Like I mentioned before, my husband has slid down the bench a bit when it comes to attention & I feel guilty about not being able to be the same Ariel I was pre-baby. Focusing on nurturing my marriage and other relationships to maintain a strong emotional bond and connection. Having that date night or day in our case is so important and also making time for myself by getting to the gym during the week and maybe a bath or writing blog posts are all efforts on my part to remain whole in body and mind. 

But I think learning how to cope with these feelings and fully grasping that they are simply just that, thoughts and feelings- it doesn't make them true. Understanding that most thoughts that eat at me are irrational and often come in to me in times where I am burning the candle at both ends and on the brink of exhaustion. After seeing images depicting the moms who seem to run the world and do ALL the things- it can truly be defeating. Above all, avoid that comparison trap. I talk about this with clients and have many times on posts here, comparison is the thief of joy. 

At the end of the day, I instead focus on taking it one day at a time. Not sweating the small stuff and focusing on the big picture of my healthy and happy family is what's truly important. Keeping those negative views in check and reminding myself that I am killing it and doing what is best for my family and myself. I refuse to allow that guilt to go unchecked, I know for certain it would mount and have the potential to layer into something cumbersome and not maintainable. Doing our vest should be enough in everything, even parenting. My son is going to be healthy, safe, and happy and truly that's all I can ask for. This will be a process for me, especially over time and as we progress through his childhood I'm sure, but I will continue to fight to keep my mind aligned with my values & shift the focus to all the things I do.